As I free fall into the unknown I open myself to the world and I begin the plunge into acceptance of myself and my place within the universe; it comes with a serenity that is unexpected but welcomed. The roaring and vicious waves that once were crashing against all sides with anything trapped in their swell to be swallowed, settle.

It should not be a surprise, to be caught up in another contradiction. The closer I move to chaos, the calmer my soul. The more I open up to my vulnerabilities and embrace the uncertainties of the descent from the mountain, the more tranquil I find my mind and soul. I have jumped into the abyss; but what was once dark is now becoming clearer and I can make out the ground from the haze as the light starts to make its way through.

It is difficult to make sense of chaos, and it is unnatural to try. Stillness is chaotic to chaos itself, and thus attempting to control it, to calm it, would be futile. It is a matter of patience, and a large amount of courage to sit with it and to embrace it; to jump into the river and let it take you to calmer waters.

It is with a calmer mind that I have become very much aware of something existing within me that is trapped and fighting for a way out. It is a fire, a star, a nuclear reaction; confined to a human form, imprisoned and exiled from the universe as though some rogue and chaotic cosmic life force. It is the frustration that one feels with the world - it flourishes with the unfair, and the world is all too good at flaming the flames of injustice. Society is catalyst for lighting the furnace of the soul of those who feel deeply and who see the layers and complexities of life in ways that many do not.

Being aware of the existence of a deep anger and frustration with me has been difficult to comprehend and understand. It is but another contradiction - it takes a leap of faith into the unknown to calm one’s mind, only to find a powerful tension and anger tearing itself apart.

This chaos within is ever more present amongst a back drop of a calmer waters; a supernova amongst a galaxy of nothingness shines brighter and more beautifully than when in a sea of stars.

And perhaps it is not simply a frustration of the injustice, but also an anger at the loneliness and isolation of being misunderstood and present as a shining cosmic ray of star dust prone to feeling and seeing and understanding, living amongst those who are unable or unwilling to see more; who are otherwise grey and unfeeling; ignorant, willingly or not, in such a society and time that rewards conformity, greed, and simpleness.

This frustration is not merely frustration, but a real and pure anger. It is an anger that it is here, rather than someplace else. But it is also a sadness.

Sadness does not sound so extreme or offensive as anger, but I have found that it is just as visceral and painful. Anger is a sharp blade that lashes out - it is fueled by energy, a dangerous and fast energy; it is the explosion reaction following a catalyst. Sadness on the otherhand is the dull blade that cuts slowly and purposefully; it lingers and consumes. It is corrosive. It is slowly drowning.

Sadness consumes.

It is not a sadness for any one specific thing, but perhaps a sadness at the world - a sadness of what is and what could have been. To be aware of the indescribable beauty and life that the universe has to offer means to also be aware of the death of beauty and innocence and the destruction and pain that we inflict upon one another. Life is complicated mess of threads of beauty, life, and emotions, interconnected and flowing across everything that there is - these threads light up with tremendous colours and glow with an intoxicating hue. Some people can pull at these threads, and see themselves and see the beauty themselves and see the cosmic dance as between the gaps in reality; but all too often those threads are pull and destroyed those with ill intentions and when severed the light is extinguished and darkness takes root and rots away all in its place. There is undoubtedly a collective grieving for a world that could be so much more, is turned into a mass extinction of creativity, joy, and love, at the expense of greed, control, and hatred.

And yet, I have also found that as well as harbouring a cosmic seed of anger and frustration, fighting and bursting at the seams of my soul to unleash itself upon the world; I have found that this thing within me also dances to beauty of sunrises with the fog rolling off the cold fields, it is empowered and invigorated by music and masterful rhythms, it surrenders to idea of a pure and otherworldly love. It is the unrelenting and painful to do more and to be more. It is the power to do amazing and beautiful things.

This force within me is not the fires of anger or frustration, and nor is it the depths and despairs of sadness; it is not even the warmth of love or melting and insatiable emotion of witnessing beauty. It is rather, the source for my anger and frustration and love and passion and energy; it is the nuclear reaction of pure intensity. It is the cosmic life force that is confined to my soul. When this fire meets injustice, shallowness, and conformity, it naturally manifests anger and frustration; and when the same fire encounters beauty, truth, connection, it manifests as ecstatic joy, flow, and a feeling of true belonging.

This fire brings a depth and complexity that is otherwise missing from the world; it is the connection with the universe, the capacity to feel deeply. It is a beautiful curse that allows one to see between the cracks of reality and to see the threads of life.

I say curse because within the fires and potential that sits within one’s soul that allows it to experience the world more deeply, sits also the pain of experiencing and seeing all that there is, even when hidden from view of those who either do not have it or who have shut themselves off so tightly from the world that they have all but extinguished the spark.

It becomes easy to look at other people as they wade effortlessly through the shallowness of society with a level of disdain; the apparent joy of the ignorant to continue with their existence without the urge to look for more, without the need to look deeper, without feeling that something is missing. They exist seemingly without the same spark of cosmic life within them, and so they are sheltered from the pain and feeling and injustice that is all around them. They are content to look at their feet, rather than to look up at the stars and seek a level of connection that simply cannot exist here.

And so one sits; calmly, fully aware that being a lightning rod for emotion and passion and beauty is as though you have the power to see beyond the fabric of reality to see the very threads of life, whilst seeing within yourself that you carry this force and fire in your soul and it is yearning for connection and for what the world once was and what the world could be. One sits, and one accepts that to carry such a fire is to sit alone. To carry so much beauty is in itself a rarity and is wholly incompatible with the dull and lifeless society that has plagued our world and infected our souls.

To sit alone is unfair, and unjust. To be able to see more, and to feel more, is a cruel curse when so many are simply content with never looking underneath.

And so one continues to sit and contemplates. Invariably one’s mind considers the weight and burden of the world, whilst also reflection on the injustice of seeing a level of detail and light that is unique in our modern world. As one contemplates, the mind sees the supernova in the night sky and how its beauty and light illuminates the darkness around it. It is the dramatic and chaotic explosion of a dying star, the remnants of which throw stardust out into the universe that become building blocks for new stars and planets. It is a beautiful rebirth that provides the light and energy for more stars to bless the night sky.

It is perhaps in these reflections that I consider that it is, more than ever, necessary for those people who carry such fire to burn ever brighter for the benefit of everyone.

To shine brighter than those around you is a burden; it sets you apart and to be a star in a night sky is scary and lonely. To hold onto the threads of life and of the universe is to subject yourself to all of the frustration, grief, and sadness that things are not what they should be. It is painful. But it also means that by holding on and allowing yourself to be everything that you should be; the beauty and the power and the joy and life flows through you and out into the world for everyone to see.

It will continue to be unfair. You should not have to carry the burdens of the world and the emotions that come with it; I wish that you could flow effortlessly and beautifully into nirvana and connect deeply with all that is around you in a sea of stars, of wondrous radiance and pure light and power. It is what you deserve. But I think about free falling into the abyss and the darkness clearing as the light from the stars illuminate my way, and cannot help but wonder where we would be if there were no stars - if there were not those people with fire in their souls.

Some people burn themselves so bright that others can follow, and without these people we will all live in darkness. Much like a supernova, when we burn we create the light for others to capture; and perhaps with enough light people will burn all the same and collectively we can give colour to our otherwise grey world.

And so it is a beautiful curse, to be you. You hold within you such a beauty and power that is otherworldly, and yet you are life itself. The world needs you, and your light, more than ever.

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