This is not really working for me. All of this, society, and world stuff.

I can feel my body rejecting all of it. I can feel my DNA screaming at me that something isn’t right. It’s never been a logical thing, it’s never been something that I have been consciously aware of; but it is there, deep within me, and now that I have heard it I am not sure that it will ever go away.

Depression

I am weighed down by a heavy blanket of depression. It is a dark and hopeless wave that has been crashing over me, and it is taking a lot of energy to keep my head above the water-line. As one does when caught in that trap of despair, I have been trying to think my way out of it (which will never ever happen).

As part of that, I can’t help but wonder about why.

Of course, part of the why is that my brain is wired in such a way that I am susceptible to feeling depressed, and ultimately, whilst there are triggers or warning signs, sometimes it just hits and I have to ride it out in any way that I can.

Depression, just like autism, has a significant genetic component; and it is very much in my genetics. That, and with research showing that autistic individuals are four times more likely to develop depression than non-autistic people, means that ultimately if depression is a wave - I am a rocky beach.

But why? If both depression and autism have such a significant genetic component, then why exist? We have developed and evolved to give our DNA the best possible chance of being passed down - evolution would suggest that such traits tied to our genetics should have given us some sort of evolutionary benefit at some time - otherwise, why appear and continue being passed down so successfully?

Why?

Has there been an evolutionary benefit for us to suffer from depression or have autism? It would feel to be some sick joke given that both make living now considerably more difficult, and arguably counter the argument that it is a benefit at all. In fact, one would probably consider them malapdations. But the very fact that they persist so strongly suggests that they likely carried some benefit.

It is tough to make arguments for why depression would be beneficial. It does, however, bring with it a certain ambivalence that would mean a calm head in dangerous or stressful situations. It sounds odd, I confess; but having worked in stressful situations, it is amazing how closely “not caring” comes to “keeping a calm head”. A depressed person, would typically be easier to spot, and so when language was in its infancy, those who are suffering would stand out. Being depressed also brings a certain level of critical rumination that may bring about complex and perhaps philosophical answers to problems facing the group.

Autism is much easier to argue - autistic traits; deep focus, detail orientated, memory, pattern recognition, would all be invaluable in a hunter gather society. Heightened sensory perception would help to detect predators, environment changes, or even subtle changes amongst the group.

Both depression and autism increase sensitivity to the environment and tune them differently to the world around them.

What is also interesting is that the same wiring in our brains that make us susceptible to depression and autism, makes them more capable of empathy, creativity, and depth.

Modern Society

The traits that once would have made people who are now more susceptible to depression or who are neurodivergent, invaluable to a community, now causes them to suffer as modern day society looks to strangle out empathy, crush creativity, and demands conformity.

The same wiring that heightens suffering also expands the capacity for beauty, empathy, and imagination. It is though nature traded stability for potential brilliance. It is a double edged sword - the price for extraordinary empathy and creativity is vulnerability and overwhelm.

I’d argue that the people are suffering now by the weight of society are those who would have flourished previously. And more and more people are becoming aware of the stranglehold that modern life has on us. It is unnatural. Our bodies and our souls are crying out for something else.

Those in power seek to control and destroy everything around them for greed and personal greed. We crave freedom, peace, community, and beauty.

It’s time to realise that it’s not simply that we’re unhappy, it’s not simply that we are down. The pace of “development” and change has far outstripped our ability to stay in tune with the world.

It’s an itch; a craving. I hope you feel it too. It is an inescapable desire that you can’t put into words. You can try, and you can feel it. It comes from deep within and it wants you to reach out. It’s the feeling of not simply wanting to take the lid off the jar, but to take it and throw it hard onto the floor.

My brain is struggling to deal with this depression, but yet whilst I’m being held down to suffer, I can feel that spark even stronger. I can feel the imbalance and I can feel an even great desire to restore that balance.

To live with that greater awareness and feeling of the world around us feels like living with the volume turned up. Everything feels louder, stronger, and more painful. But it also looks brighter, more beautiful, and feels even better. Society has labeled traits as disorders, and yet it is society that is broken.