Dissociation

I have lived with a profound sense of loneliness for as long as I can remember. It is an ever present feeling, and yet, because of its permanence it often sits in the background - something that is just there, something that just is.

And yet, despite it’s permanence, it has felt ever more prevalent more recently to the extent that it feels more than merely the meaning given to it by the written word.

It does not get to the crux of what it feels like, and nor does it come close to exploring why it is such a constant in my life.

It is the feeling of being in a busy room and yet feel completely alone; completely distinct despite the proximity and acutely aware the entire of time at just how lonely it feels. It is an out of body experience - it is witnessing the separation both in a first person perspective, and as a silent third party observer.

It is walking down a busy street and yet everyone is walking in the opposite direction. Everyone is heading the same direction but you; their faces and their bodies are dark and merge into the crowds. Every now and then a face becomes clear and their details appear to you, before fading back into the mindless stream of people walking on by. And despite the amount of people, no one walks into you - they part and silently walk on by; too insignificant to even acknowledge or collide.

It is like existing in a parallel world and yet existing in the real simultaneously. Most of the time is spent looking out from the void, observing; observing everyone around and observing yourself. It is a strange concept - but it is though your physical body is present whilst you are hidden in the parallel world looking in.

This dissociation is more than a mere loneliness, and yet it is still a loneliness. It is a loneliness that does not dissipate with company.

It is possible to step into the real world from time to time and to exist with everyone else. Doing so takes effort and skill; one must always be aware of the toll it takes existing in the real world - it is the physical cost of fitting in and managing that energy is critical, for running out of energy risks losing your body from your mind and stepping back into the safety of the parallel word becomes that more difficult.

There is also the risk that for every moment spent outside of the safety of the void, parts of you are worn down and lost as people, items, and society look to wear you down and absorb you; corrupting you and molding you into something compliant and benign.

Whilst there is an acceptance of this life, and a resignation as to the loneliness, it is only recently that I have allowed myself to feel completely and fully in a response to this existence.

There is a sadness in living such a way that you feel detached and dissociated from the world. It would only be right for anyone who has to experience that sort of loneliness to grieve. It is grieving the lost years being on the outside looking in, and there is an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss at having to feel and experience the negative emotions come with feeling so alone. I grieve for a lost childhood, and I grieve for a loss of innocence.

This kind of dissociation is not merely the feeling of loneliness, and it not merely the emotional experience and toll that accompanies it. It is the feeling of being alone to deal with all of your troubles, fears, pains, and problems. It is the feeling of bearing responsibility for everything in your life. It is carrying everything on your shoulders with no one to share them with - not because there is no one around; but because your world is locked behind the glass wall - the parallel world hidden from existence.

Of course, we are all responsible for our own lives, and all responsible for our own actions; but feeling locked away and feeling that responsibility far too young, is a heavy weight to carry; and not one that anyone should have to do alone.

And so yes, there is a tremendous sense of sadness; but there is something else - something else that is often locked behind it all and hidden from view.

Something that we mostly try to hide, something that tend to bury and not try to avoid.

Anger.

It is unfair to have to exist separate from the rest of the world. It is unfair that the rest of the world is so tiring, so fake, so bland; it is unfair that society looks to grind us, absorb us, to manipulate us, and to kill us. It is unfair there are people who can exist in the real world so seamlessly and so effortlessly, either ignorant or uncaring to so much. It is unfair that every time I step out from the void I have to pretend. It is unfair that people do not notice. It is unfair that people do not try to find me. It is unfair that people did not do more to share that responsibility.

I am angry that everything is so difficult for some, and not for others. I am angry that we live in a world that forces people to hide. I am angry at people for not looking after for those suffering. I am angry that they’re not made to feel accepted or acknowledged.

I am angry at having to exist separately from the real world, feeling locked up and out of place; struggling where people are thriving - or worse yet, not even being aware that they’re having to do anything.

It sounds dramatic - of that I am aware. It is also easy to question one’s sanity. The feeling of dissociation is real, and the pain and sadness and loneliness is profound. It is also unclear just how much of that dissociation is something inherently wrong with me; or even a pure figment of my imagination.

It is difficult for me to put into words the feeling of dissociation without the vivid imagery of existing in a parallel world. Describing it as merely loneliness is not enough. It really is a feeling of existing separately to everyone else, waiting for something to happen. Something that has real meaning, something beyond the trivial nothingness that society currently represents.

For there has to be something more. I can feel it. There is something, of that I know. I cannot tell you what, and I cannot tell you when. But I know that if you’re on the outside looking in waiting for something; it’s close.

I can also tell you that you are not alone. It is not fair that you have to exist on the outside, and it’s not fair that you’re surrounded by so much lacking of substance, and by so much ignorance and lack of colour.

The world has lost itself and society is working to grind you down. You are stronger than you will ever know and you are perfect exactly as you are right now. I’m sorry that you did not receive the comfort, support, and security that you needed. I’m sorry that you have had to fight every day and that you have felt as though it’s an endless battle that you have had to face alone. It takes tremendous bravery to step out every day and to be yourself. I know that it is difficult to do so without that mask, or without holding your breath.

I hope that more people can shine their lights and I hope that people can spread more colour in the world so that you can step forward without fear.